The Monster Under the Bed: Success?

I am posting because I feel like it, not because I have anything of consequence to say. So sue me! It's my blog; I'm allowed to do that. It's incredibly strange to have things going well and somewhat according to plan for once. What is not strange is to find myself still unhappy and confused in the midst of it all and constantly knowing that I have no right to be. Sad how that works. Humans get so used to being unhappy that even happiness makes them unhappy. It's as if the two emotions switch places due to the frequency of their presence. Which means that if unhappy becomes the new happy and humans constantly crave it, nothing has truly changed except the new happy is much easier to obtain. Does this mean that it is less valuable? I have no idea. No bloody idea.

I guess the one constant is courage. Either way, it takes courage to face both. Funny enough, but facing happiness is far more terrifying and alien to me than anything else. It seems to rob me of what little purpose I have left. If I am happy and begin to rest on my laurels, then where is the drive? For what do I have to strive? These questions are meant in the most philosophical way possible coming from an eighteen year old. They have not even a tish bit of emo influence. This is not: "i want to go out and kill myself" i-have-no-purpose, it is: "i am lost and don't know what the fuck I am going to do with my life" i-have-no-purpose. I think this is pretty standard, off the menu, cheeseburger and fries stuff for eighteen year olds. I hope so.

So yes.... Courage.

Poetry: Failure in Success?

Ridiculous thoughts either make for poetry or ridiculous thoughts. I have many of them and have taken to writing them down in the hopes that they're worth more than a piece of shit. I mean, here's to hoping right? But since my poetic thoughts are limited tonight to say the least, I'll simply share a poem from one of my favorite poets, Tony Hoagland.

Brave World

But what about the courage

of the cancer cell

that breaks out from the crowd

it has belonged to all its life

like a housewife erupting

from her line at the grocery store

because she just can't stand

the sameness anymore?

What about the virus that arrives

in town like a traveler

from somewhere faraway

with suitcases in hand,

who only wants a place

to stay, a chance to get ahead

in the land of opportunity

but who smells bad,

talks funny, and reproduces fast?

What about the microbe that

hurls its tiny boat straight

into the rushing metabolic tide,

no less cunning and intrepid

than Odysseus; that gambles all

to found a city

on an unknown shore?

What about their bill of rights,

their access to a full-scale,

first-class destiny?

their chance to realize

maximum potential? - which, sure,

will come at the expense

of someone else, someone

who, from a certain point of view,

is a secondary character,

whose weeping is almost

too far off to hear,

a noise among the noises

coming from the shadows

of any brave new world.

I don't regret things. I'm just not that type of a person. It's maddening. I mean, I don't need people. I don't even want them half the time! I can't fucking let go of the whole thing! And I hate that ever sentence until this one has started with and "I". Fuck! He's not even worth it. AT ALL. He is everything that is okay but not great. Why would I want him anyway? I'm not saying that I'm all that and a bag chips, but we were not compatible. I mean why dream, why stare, why think, why dwell on something was a headache and a half. I should have no regret. I think it is less regret for what I did and more a hope that things would have been different.

Fruitless but hopeful walks around the neighborhood looking for a '56 Chevy BelAir. Inane.

Those points of culmination in your life. When nothing in particular happens but you life just presents itself in front of you as if to say "So what do you think?". Why? I have so many neuroses and I don't even know how I got half of them. I don't tolerate that, I have to know why I feel the way I feel about everything. But why do I avoid so much? I avoid every deadline, every commitment, every judgment. Anything definite terrifies me and I haven't the slightest idea why. Other people can manage to get their shit together and face things head on. My life presented itself to me saying "you have no more pertinent homework, you don't want to work on anything else and you're not hungry and you don't want to go to bed, so now what?". How the fuck did I get like that?Why does the definition of my life lie in my bed between the hours of five and midnight? I feel like the Wizard of Oz only without the kickass special effects, I live life behind a curtain. The questions are: How did I get this way? Do I like it? Can I get out? And if so, How? I feel like a scratched CD that keeps skipping, you get the same thing over and over again in tiny increments. Sometime you get a little something new but then it just gets added to the recital. Points of culmination: wondering why do you hate school dances? why would you rather stay at home and watch tv? if you hate something, why don't you change it? I refuse to believe the reason is sheer laziness. So what? Fear? Is that it? Too many questions. Points of "oh shit" culmination.

Fuck life. For no other reason than there is no answer to it. Stop thinking about it. Just stop. It wastes brain power. What little we have. So just fuck it. I think it goes the best when you just stop thinking about it. Its central to our existence and yet it is so big the only way we can deal with it is just to push it to the roadside and pretend its not there. Fuck life.

Misanthrope.

What dumbass, single, miserable, lonely, fucktard invented bros before hoes?

A very wise one I am sure. But I, at times, hate the rule. I shall stick to it because it shows good moral fiber. Siiiiiiiiiggggggghhhhhhhh. You may pronounce that how you will.

Do you ever think about how life is nothing coherent. Like really, it isn't. It just a bunch of flashes and images, and things that translate into ideas and feelings. And so many rules that have been made up to govern society. Who made them? Have you ever stopped to wonder why things are the way they are? So many of the rules are pointless. Like think about that space in between dreams and consciousness when nonsensical things are fact. I always think that's where true creativity comes from. That where the truth lies. No made up rules that we didn't agree to. Just the truth of the universe intruding upon your conscious. If we can tune the world out for long enough, make it shut up for just long enough, you can hear it sometimes. You can see the truth that nothing is important. Nothing is what you think it is. That is a different universe locked up inside every person's mind. That everything you think you know is wrong or is just the beginning of some incomprehensible truth. What is life? It's what you make it. What if you didn't follow any of the rules. Barring murder other crimes: why would people care? What right would they have to care? It is so difficult to be yourself simply because the world is not you. And that big fake world out there keeps intruding upon the real one in your head. You can't block it out. But what if. What if I could truly explain my thoughts? If you understand, you do. If not there is no way I can make you understand because it's something so abstract and vast that it cannot be put into words. I am only able catch glimpses of it. And yet, the most disappointing part it that even I'm starting to understand bits of this I doubt that it will have an effect on the way I carry out my life. Maybe. I can't feel the truth in what I'm writing. Maybe I'm not supposed to. That's probably the point. It's too much. If I could feel the truth in this, it would mean that I grasped it all. And in order to do that I would most likely not be of this world.

Tonight, I went out and buried a broken plate with a note.

Seven

I tried to do this last night but my mother came in and reprimanded me for something ridiculous.  So yes...That is why I have been gone for over seven months. Yes, wow it sounds a lot longer when you have to count it out. Its good and bad probably that I have not been here. Even if I had dared come back to this before now I don't know if I would have had the time. Anyway, you have missed what I would consider to be the worst seven months of my life. Here's to hoping that we can round it out to a whole year! Sorry for the cynicism. Apparently it's one of more prevelant character traits. I will not go into all the self-pittying details of this past school year. I will round it up saying that I feel as though I have failed at everything I have attempted. I know I could get all philosophical and say that a true failure is one where you never try in the first place. Well that's very nice for the greek philosophers to say: they're in the history books and revered throughtout history. That sounds like a success if you ask me. So I'm back. Yes. Yes, I am. So here's to hoping that this summer is everything I need it to be. I think I have something like twenty days of school left. So yes... can't come soon enough. And as to the new layout, I figured I wanted to start being happier my layout had to reflect it. 

Catalyst Left Behind

Ok! Let me vent. There is this guy that I dated and broke up with in the spring. I was the first girl he ever dated or kissed (the two are not mutually inclusive concepts.) On the kissing, I'm not so sure. I heard that I was from one source and yet another told me this was not so. Moving on. This summer he went out with another girl for at least a few and broke up with her from what I've heard. He is now dating yet another girl. I was the first! One girl decides that a guy is ok and then all of them will suddenly date him! In the space of six months he has gone from not dating to jumping from girl to girl like a bumble-bee on flowers. Good God! Oh, and here's the funny part! Let me think back and reflect on the vast numbers of men that I have dated since him...let me think....NONE! I have opened up dating doors for him, I have elevated his status (not in a creepy sexual way), and he has lowered mine. (Sigh of indignation!)

Now being realistic, I realize that three girls in six months does not make him a man-whore. I realize that he is just exercizing new found skills, if one could call them that. I also realize that the reason I have not dated anyone is that there has been no one to date. My standards are extraordinarily high and I am extremely busy. I have no patience for high school guys, and would never dream of dating one of the ones who attend my school. I just had to unburden myself of the injustice of the made up double standard in my head! Thank you very much!

Focus Shrugged

I am posting this because I feel I have been neglecting you. I am sorry for that. I have had some hell for a life recently. Not that that excuses my behavior. Let me update you on my friends. Ralph is just fine. I walked home with him the other day and that made it go faster. Aurora has been annoying but sweet as always. Trudie has been truly amazing and she and I are really getting closer. Camilla is wonderful I have tons of classes with her. She continues to inspire me and keep me on my toes. Edward is off at college I don't really hear much from him. Mia is back in town on a soccer scholarship at a local community college. She didn't want to sing after all. She went through a lot but is a much happier and well rounded person now. Elle is at an artistic high school and I believe loving every minute of it. Lucy is just as hilarious as ever and is in the school play with me. And Eva... well Eva is Eva. She is my light, my strenght, my encouragement, my deciding voice. So that is all I have to say. I must now venture into the world of AP Chem.

Anticipatory Hypothesis

The last day of summer is worse than the first day of school. The last day of being single is worse than the first day of marriage. That is a bad example. I know many would argue that of course it is worse because you want to be with your beloved. I would argue that it is worse because well I wouldn't argue that. I hate marriage and think that every day spent single is a better one. I am not anti relationship, I am anti-marriage. The last day of being nine, is worse than the day after your birthday when you morbidly dwell on the fact that you will double digits until the day you die...probably. Is anticipation always worse than the actual event? Does death fall in this category? I hope so. Now the first time you have sex better not fall into this category for so many reasons. I sadly cannot tell you. Well it's not devastating...but anyway. It should not fall into this category for so many reasons. 1) Sex shouldn't be bad at all 2) and if it is, by God! it had better not be worse than the wait. So maybe this hypothesis should be changed to: Is anticipation more taxing than the actual event? Taxing is good. It just describes a draining of will or effort or strength. I like taxing. Devirginization should definitely fall into this category. Well sex can be taxing I guess, but that has kind of negative connotation. Now I expect it to take effort and strength can't be a bad thing to have and if you went at it all night I think it could definitely be taxing. But not in the negative way. Sorry. I did not mean for this to be a sex ramble. It was supposed to philosophical, but I guess not. So yes....after all this rambling. Anticipation is more taxing than the actual event. Definitely. I hope. God!

Haphazard

I haven't said anything for a while. I had an inkling that it would be that way once school started. I promise I will not desert you completely. We shall see what happens. Life has continued on in very much the same pattern. I hate school, am considering going to France next year to make my own adventures and stop trying to leach the life out of characters in a book, My parent's marriage is slowly but surely deteriorating, I have as little faith as ever that I will ever be capable of love...and yeah. I should be doing homework right now. So I will go to that.

Last Day of Freedom

Ahh! As much as I have hated this summer in a lot of ways, I am sad to see it go. I am looking forward to school and burying myself in the massive piles of work I am going to be receiving that way I have a legit excuse to ignore my mother. I am looking forward to simply having something to do with my days even if it means conforming to the last form of forced slavery. Nah, I jest. School's not that bad. I am going to miss the freedom of doing whatever I want all day. That is nice, I will not lie. But as the saying goes, "All good things must come to an end." I really hope that some out there do not, but for now the summer of 2008 falls into that category. Now a moment of silence out of respect for this fallen summer. Like so many of its predecessors it fought valiantly for life and in the same manner lost to the undefeatable forces of fall.

Reality

I have realized the reason i get so obsessed with books is that I so desperately want to be like those people in the books. I want to be special. I want to be different; to have adventure in my life. I can deal with this. Its just hard to want something you can't have: magic.

^!~-----^!~------^!~------^!~-----------------------------------------

So my parents actually are getting divorced. I'm not all weepy and yelling and all that crap. I'm actually feeling fine. I don't know why. I feel as if nothing's changed. Yeah...

Hmph

I finished Breaking Dawn and I am slightly depressed. I just get so caught up in some stories that I find myself forgetting that immortality is not an option and that happiness like that just doesn't exist. I know that that sounds morbib but, I don't know...I guess it's true. I just feel like nothing in my life is really going to work out the way I want it to and I'm going to have to settle into things that I don't want. I am sure this shitty mood will pass. I am waiting.

Premier D'Août

La femme fut créée
d'une côte de l'homme.
Pas de sa tête pour
être au-dessus de lui,
Ni de ses pieds
pour être piétiné,
Mais d'une de ces côtes
pour être son égal,
Sous son bras
pour être protégé,
Et près de son coeur
pour être aimé.

I found this on another blog and after doing a tish bit of translating to make sure that I agreed with most of it, I decided to post it. I still maintain that I am smarter than many men that I meet and that I do not need constant protection. But the idea is there. It means well. Here to save you the trouble I will translate.

The woman was created
Of the rib of a man.
Not of his head to
be above him,
Nor of his feet
to be trampled,
But of his ribs
To be his equal,
Under his arms
To be protected,
And near his heart,
To be loved.

Birthday

Ok, not really. This blog is almost one month old. It's just a baby. On Sunday, when it turns 1/12, as you know I will be on my way to the San Juans. I do not know if I will be allowed to have my laptop up there. So it might verywell be a fond farewell for about a week. Anyway, I just realized that this is the last day that I will only have one month up on the blog list. Ah! the nostalgia kills me.

Sorry about the pic. I couldn't help myself. teehee. suppressed giggle.

Lesson

So this is a long story. Here goes. Araura likes this guy. He seemed like a really nice guy. He might still be. He recently felt her up while in a polar bear suit. I'm not kidding. I couldn't make that shit up. She loves my mom and respects her a ton. She hates her own. My mom has been gone a lot as you know. And I really hate her. I don't know why. We've already covered this. I told my mom and she listened and she cared. I told Araura that I told my mom, she badly wanted to know what my mom had said. I got really annoyed because she loves my mom and I know for a fact that she's not that great. And she is constantly making a huge deal about this guy over little things and I don't do that. It's just a difference I don't beg my friends for advice with guy stuff. I advise myself. I shouldn't punish her just because we are different. I couldn't deal with all the gawking over this guy anymore. I promised that I would call her the next day and tell her what my mom had said even though she didn't say anything important, dole out any wisdom, or say anything that I already hadn't. The next day I didn't call her. I got distracted. She got mad and then I started thinking about the reason that I didn't want to talk to her about. The above reasons. I didn't talk to her all weekend. I didn't talk to her monday or tuesday. I was thinking about it. I was thinking about what to say. I couldn't bring myself to say something. She and I finally talked today. I had a thing all planned out. I gave about half of my thing, the half I could remember. Then she told me something that I had never understood before. Before I tell you what she said I will preface it. I am an only child. I am a vain, prideful, and slightly arrogant person who puts themself first most of the time. I love my friends but I do not make an extra effort to reach out to them. She said, "I'm not mad that you didn't call. I mad that I didn't matter enough for you to call. You didn't care enough." We said a lot more, but a while later she said, "You don't get that your decisions affect other people. Just a text to someone to say 'Hey what's up?' or just a call even though you're not a phone person: It matters. It might make someone's day. Your actions affect your friends in ways that you don't know." I know that this all sounds so simple, but I got this concept in a way I never had before. I do care about my friends but I put myself first. I really do. But I have a lifetime to spend with myself. She said, "If our parents died tonight what would you do? Could you survive?" I would be able to. But she has a little brother to take care of. She still could. My mother had told me this many times but I didn't listen until Araura said it and I'm paraphrasing, "Relationships are important, they matter the most and they are very important part of being an adult." I told her that, "...honestly, I never thought, out of the two of us, I would be the one to know less about how the hell the world works." But she proved me wrong. She is not just a naive little girl who doesn't have a clue about relationships. She had tried to tell me this before but I didn't get it and I blew her off saying, "You are not the center of my universe! Get over it!" And I always felt guilty deep down inside. I didn't know why at the time. Now I know. Because I knew she was right. I didn't care enough. I didn't stop to think about those outside my universe, which I will be honest, will still revolve around me, but will pay so much more attention to what goes on outside of it. Just because you are the center doesn't mean you are everything. What is a center if there is nothing around it? Exactly. Nothing. I finally get it. No matter what take care of the people in your life. Stop being impatient to be heard. Listen to them, they will listen in return. My mother always told me "What you put into a relationship you get out of it." I never listened to her because she's being hypocritical, but in many other cases it's true. I will owe Araura for the rest of my life.

Re-vamp

I have redone my page after the GOD-AWFUL Zac Gay-fron interuption. I do apologize for that. Twas not my fault. That is the last time I give someone my password. Other half be damned, one half of me can just be eternally confused and left in the dark. Anyway, I went hunting for quotes today and decided that I would do a love theme. Now when you read them, keep in mind that I do not agree with a fair number of them. I just figured we would represent many schools of thought. And obviously I do not know what the hell love is. I think that anyone who does would not post tons of ridiculous on it on their blog. Whatever. I found out the other day that my ex is secretly dating someone. I'm very happy for him. I am happy that he has moved on. I must say that I am surprised because the girl seems a bit out of his league, but whatever. All the more power to him. I do not know why it is a secret. My bets are on the fact that it just makes it more fun. So yeah. I don't really have much to say. I am leaving for the San Juan Islands on Sunday and getting back next Friday. I am dreading it. I do not know that side of my family very well and don't get me wrong they are very nice. They are just a tish bit boring at times. I think slightly vanilla. Yes, that's the word I'm looking for. They are just on slightly on the vanilla end of the 31 flavors buffet. Where as I am more on the Jamoca Almond Fudge or Rainbow Sherbert end. You catch my drift? Aaaanyyywaaayyyy... Sigh. That pretty much wraps it up for me.