Birthday

Ok, not really. This blog is almost one month old. It's just a baby. On Sunday, when it turns 1/12, as you know I will be on my way to the San Juans. I do not know if I will be allowed to have my laptop up there. So it might verywell be a fond farewell for about a week. Anyway, I just realized that this is the last day that I will only have one month up on the blog list. Ah! the nostalgia kills me.

Sorry about the pic. I couldn't help myself. teehee. suppressed giggle.

Lesson

So this is a long story. Here goes. Araura likes this guy. He seemed like a really nice guy. He might still be. He recently felt her up while in a polar bear suit. I'm not kidding. I couldn't make that shit up. She loves my mom and respects her a ton. She hates her own. My mom has been gone a lot as you know. And I really hate her. I don't know why. We've already covered this. I told my mom and she listened and she cared. I told Araura that I told my mom, she badly wanted to know what my mom had said. I got really annoyed because she loves my mom and I know for a fact that she's not that great. And she is constantly making a huge deal about this guy over little things and I don't do that. It's just a difference I don't beg my friends for advice with guy stuff. I advise myself. I shouldn't punish her just because we are different. I couldn't deal with all the gawking over this guy anymore. I promised that I would call her the next day and tell her what my mom had said even though she didn't say anything important, dole out any wisdom, or say anything that I already hadn't. The next day I didn't call her. I got distracted. She got mad and then I started thinking about the reason that I didn't want to talk to her about. The above reasons. I didn't talk to her all weekend. I didn't talk to her monday or tuesday. I was thinking about it. I was thinking about what to say. I couldn't bring myself to say something. She and I finally talked today. I had a thing all planned out. I gave about half of my thing, the half I could remember. Then she told me something that I had never understood before. Before I tell you what she said I will preface it. I am an only child. I am a vain, prideful, and slightly arrogant person who puts themself first most of the time. I love my friends but I do not make an extra effort to reach out to them. She said, "I'm not mad that you didn't call. I mad that I didn't matter enough for you to call. You didn't care enough." We said a lot more, but a while later she said, "You don't get that your decisions affect other people. Just a text to someone to say 'Hey what's up?' or just a call even though you're not a phone person: It matters. It might make someone's day. Your actions affect your friends in ways that you don't know." I know that this all sounds so simple, but I got this concept in a way I never had before. I do care about my friends but I put myself first. I really do. But I have a lifetime to spend with myself. She said, "If our parents died tonight what would you do? Could you survive?" I would be able to. But she has a little brother to take care of. She still could. My mother had told me this many times but I didn't listen until Araura said it and I'm paraphrasing, "Relationships are important, they matter the most and they are very important part of being an adult." I told her that, "...honestly, I never thought, out of the two of us, I would be the one to know less about how the hell the world works." But she proved me wrong. She is not just a naive little girl who doesn't have a clue about relationships. She had tried to tell me this before but I didn't get it and I blew her off saying, "You are not the center of my universe! Get over it!" And I always felt guilty deep down inside. I didn't know why at the time. Now I know. Because I knew she was right. I didn't care enough. I didn't stop to think about those outside my universe, which I will be honest, will still revolve around me, but will pay so much more attention to what goes on outside of it. Just because you are the center doesn't mean you are everything. What is a center if there is nothing around it? Exactly. Nothing. I finally get it. No matter what take care of the people in your life. Stop being impatient to be heard. Listen to them, they will listen in return. My mother always told me "What you put into a relationship you get out of it." I never listened to her because she's being hypocritical, but in many other cases it's true. I will owe Araura for the rest of my life.

Re-vamp

I have redone my page after the GOD-AWFUL Zac Gay-fron interuption. I do apologize for that. Twas not my fault. That is the last time I give someone my password. Other half be damned, one half of me can just be eternally confused and left in the dark. Anyway, I went hunting for quotes today and decided that I would do a love theme. Now when you read them, keep in mind that I do not agree with a fair number of them. I just figured we would represent many schools of thought. And obviously I do not know what the hell love is. I think that anyone who does would not post tons of ridiculous on it on their blog. Whatever. I found out the other day that my ex is secretly dating someone. I'm very happy for him. I am happy that he has moved on. I must say that I am surprised because the girl seems a bit out of his league, but whatever. All the more power to him. I do not know why it is a secret. My bets are on the fact that it just makes it more fun. So yeah. I don't really have much to say. I am leaving for the San Juan Islands on Sunday and getting back next Friday. I am dreading it. I do not know that side of my family very well and don't get me wrong they are very nice. They are just a tish bit boring at times. I think slightly vanilla. Yes, that's the word I'm looking for. They are just on slightly on the vanilla end of the 31 flavors buffet. Where as I am more on the Jamoca Almond Fudge or Rainbow Sherbert end. You catch my drift? Aaaanyyywaaayyyy... Sigh. That pretty much wraps it up for me.

Jasper?

So when I opened this window my first thought was "I don't have anything to say." But then...I was at this festival today and I was waiting for Eva to get done with getting a henna tattoo. I was turned around staring off into space when...He came into my line of sight. O My GoD! I'm usually am not this pathetic and shallow, but WOW. I mean this guy was a different kind of gorgeous. He looked at me for a really quick second and I am so mad that I was the first one to look down. He was blonde and I usually don't go for those. Anyway. I was being ridiculous. I told Eva once she was done and we tried to find him. Of course, no such luck. I was trying to give up but I had never wanted to find a random person so much before. It was like a compulsion. I know. I have just been elevated on the stalker alert chart (if there is one). I decided that I should stop looking for him. It's a well known fact that once you stop looking for something it comes to you. I was standing there with Eva. I had described him to her. She grabbed my arm and spun me around asking, "Is that him? Brown vest!" Yes, I know. But the vest was hot. I saw him walking away. I stomped and squealed like a five year old. Eva grabbed my wrist and yelled "C'mon!" We sorta stalked him. I refuse to be ashamed of that. I never did get his eyes completely devoted to mine ever again. But I did prove that he did actually exist. Yay!

Absense Makes The Heart Grow Fonder

I am very sorry, but it seems that my laptop has been taken from me. I am less disposed to write on the home computer. I hope that it will return to me soon, but I cannot know for sure. I will try my best to keep you abreast...teehee, abreast.... Ahem! As I was saying, I shall keep you...uh...updated! Yes, updated. That's the word!

Hmmm?

Behold, my beautiful fur-tastic creation! Let's call her Velma, shall we? Or if you prefer her to be a boy she shall be Tony. Yes, every third thursday of the month you shall own the priviledge to stare at Telma in all "its" glory. Look on! Dream on! For you will never look as delicious.

Peace, In My Own Little Corner

I am alone almost all day. I think I have said this before. If I haven't, well then, there you go. Even with this being the case I don't really get my "me" time until at least 10:30. I live for the time every night when I go up into my room and close the door. This lasts from 10:30 to about 3:00 at the latest. O, I love it! I usually will watch a movie online. Maybe two if I'm really in the mood. Then I will read. Sometimes I skip the movie and go right to the reading. I will usually fall asleep with the book next to my head. I swear it makes me sleep better. Anyway, so I am enjoying this serenity at the moment and I thought that I would share it with you. I am here nightly and this is probably the only thing (besides sleeping in) that I will miss about this summer.

Reasons

There is a reason that at times I do not tell my mother every single detail of my friends and my issues. She has excellent advice and truly enjoys helping. She will sit and listen to me bitch for as long as I want to. It's an excellent deal...sorta. The downside being: she will not rest until she sees her advice carried out. So really that's why I don't go to her. Because as much as I love the fact that she will almost always tell me the right thing to do in sticky situations, sometimes I don't want to do the right thing. I just want to hear about it. Stupid, I know. Whatever.

So when I told her about my issues with Trudie she listened and helped and made me feel a whole-of-a-lot better. That was until she started asking me daily, "Have you talked to Trudie yet?". This is was always answered by the inevitable "No". "When are you going to talk to her?". This would be answered by the "I don't know." "I thought we talked about you talking to her."
This would be answered by the "Yes, mom. I know. " "Then why haven't you talked to her yet?" This is where is usually ends with me starting several sentences containing bogus reasons and not finishing. Then I usually end it with a feeble, "Nevermind. I'll talk to her."

The truth is, I was scared. I couldn't imagine how I could ever manage to casually broach the subject with her so I wouldn't look like a stuck up prude. Yesterday, she solved that for me. She informed that she was quitting, at least for the school year. I didn't care about the rest or next summer. I would take ten months with no arguing. Then she said something that really made me believe her. Something I don't think I will ever forget, and that I will remember if I ever find myself starting to make certain vices into a lifestyle. She said, "I realized that things can be a lot more fun when you're sober."

Thanks Trudie.

Family

What is family's purpose? Do you humor them? Are they allowed to treat worse than the average person? Are you forced to like them? I don't know. So where exactly is the happy medium? I have to perform a love poem for my grandparents 50th Aniversary. I have to go to go to the San Juan Islands off the coast of Canada and the US for a week. A week! For christ's sake! I told my mother that was a ridiculous length of time for an aniversary. She said, "Family is doing what you don't want to have to do." Is it really? I thought that that definition was an awful one. If that what family is then why do we love them so unconditionally? That exact week a book that I have long awaited is coming out and my cousin and I wanted to stay up and read together. I will be with my other cousins instead. I like them. They're nice. They're just not irreverant. They seem almost proper. I don't know how to explain it. Oh well. I was just wondering. Is family really such a sacrifice? I don't understand the attraction there. Why do we put up with so much crap? Surely, if we distanced ourselves we could save ourselves so much pain. I am an only child, I am sure you can see the selfishness shining through. But really try to think. What keeps us running back to them ever time?

Changes To Come

I went template shopping today. I swear to God! It is like picking out a wedding dress. Well, for me it is. I know that doesn't leave much to be desired for the wedding, but it's all about what's underneath anyway. Okay then! Back on track. Sorry about that one. =)
I finally found this understated artsy one. Yes, I am proud of it. Be nice. We can't all be effing Picasso. So yeah, Eva endured it with me. Poor thing. Well whatever, she's been through worse with me and she knows it. I have two words: Art Museum. I am so proud that I have had a hand in her defiance. Aw, it's what every baby cousin dreams of. If you want a good time...if you know what I mean...call 206-376-9798. Those of you who know that number...well what can I say she's a slut...it gets around. Jk. For those of you who know it, don't tell me what happens. It's like ruining Christmas. I must go and be whitty and charming. Yes, well I do lead a glamorous life with the Cinderella aspect of it and all. Well to be more acurate, Cinderella minus the gorgeously cheezy prince, plus a normal physique, minus the crazy bag lady, plus...where was I going with this?
Ah yes, pardon the rambling. As I was template shopping today I ran across the most breath-takingly, exquisite layout known to God and Man. It will be premiering the third thursday of every month. Ok after the first month it won't be a premier anymore. You will get my gist. Farewell and here's to all the wonderful fluffiness to come. (Hint, Hint, Wink.)

Excusez mon francais, s'il vous plait.

J'ai voulu essayer ecriver en francais. On verrais. Aujourd'hui j'ai fait la vaisselle, j'ai practice ma voix, et ect. Pardonez-moi, mon clavier est americain. Il n'a pas d'accents. Je m'ennuie. En ete, mes parents travaille et je suis laisee chez moi, en seule. Tous mes amis ont un travail. Pas moi. C'est injuste. Mes parents ne pensent pas que je aurais un job. J'ai beacoup de devoirs pour mes cours pour l'annee prochain. J'arreterai couperai toi avec mon mauvais francais. Aurevoir!

The Intelligent Skippers

Looking back on the past posts I realized that they have been very depressing. Sorry about that. Anyway I figured if I was going to make a story out of anything, when things actually start happening to me again, I should give you a cast of characters. So here goes...

Trudie

Sort of a redhead. Crazy hippie. One of the sweetest girls you'll ever meet. She has the hardest time focusing. I've been having issues with her recently. She started smoking pot, and while I'd like to be cool with it, it's really not doing her any favors. The kids who can handle it without totally screwing up their lives, I have no problem with them doing it. But Trudie, she used to be smarter than me. Now she just barely scrapes by. Her parents got divorced almost two years ago, I think. Her mom is now really happy with her new partner and they're great together. She was fine last year, then this year she started falling apart. Maybe the shock is just hitting her late. So that's her in a nutshell. Oh yeah, and she's fashion crazed just like me.

Edward

One of the most amazing guys you will ever meet. He's a lit. nerd. He is gay. I think he finally knows that too. This is good. He just graduated. He recently went out with one of my friends. They broke up when he finally figured it out. My other friend is sort of in love with him. Not like seriously, I don't think. They would be perfect for each other. We always joke that they are just the same person in two different bodies. They even both like guys. He is really out of a Jane Austen novel, as is she. I do love him. He was one of the four original intelligent skippers. In fact, he was the one who first used the phrase.

Camilla

She is Edward's other half. Really she is sort of love him. I don't know if she does as much anymore. She is more impressive than he. She gets perfect straight A's. Top in our class. She has been friends with Trudie since they were little. The smoking bugs her too. She is basically Hermione, if you read Harry Potter. She's a great friend. She knows almost anything you could ever want to know. Really, it's thanks to her that I got an A in trig this past year. She is a great seamtress. She has costumed almost all of the shows in the past two years at out school. She is great director. Words cannot describe how awesome she is. One of those fabulous artsy kids. She was one of the original intelligent skippers.

Lucy

Probably the funniest person I've ever met. She should be on SNL. She went out with Edward. She could make a royal guard crack a smile. Trudie kind of pulled her into the whole smoking thing. Well she pulled herself in. I won't blame that on Trudie. For some reason it doesn't bother me as much when she does it. She is wonderful. She does drama like the rest of us. Sorry, not drama...theatre. There is a difference at our school. She is obsessed with The Office. I like it too, but wow, she could kick anyone's ass at Office trivia.

Ralph

He is a big oaf. He is bi. He laughs constantly. He is incredibly naive. He is a great friend. It's hard to be deep with him sometimes, but he makes up for it in buckets of cheer.

Aurora

She and I have been through so much. We've treated each other like shit and we love each othe all the more for it. She and I are brutally honest with each othe and we often disagree on things. She is extemely warm and bubble. She is shy around guys she likes. She often hides things from me just to get attention. It gets annoying, but whatever. She's a great friend. Unique, is probably the word I would use. She is half Japanese, half Jewish. An awesome mix if you ask me. She is this short little firecracker. Don't let her height fool you. She can own anyone she wants to. She is insecure and difficult and I love her to death.

Mia

I met Mia doing theatre. She and I then went on to attend school together. She just graduated and is off to one of the best musical conservatories in the nation. She has the voice of an angel. She will be the next diva at the Met, I guarantee it. She taught me so much and I miss her like crazy. She's nearly perfect. She's goreous, smart, talented, the works. She can be a bit of a diva sometimes, but I guess with all she's has going for her, she can afford to be. She and I are the other two original intelligent skippers.

Elle

I met her doing theatre. Amazing, is all I can say. She is an inspiration to me. She has been the fire under my ass a lot of times. She has given me so much. She and I were cast as sisters, and have become them. She's a year younger than me and I will miss her like hell when I leave. She's blonde, gorgeous, she's an ex-dancer if that gives you an idea, and she's intelligent. I really don't have any friends who aren't. It's a criterion that they must meet.

Eva

My other half. She knows everything there is to know about me and vice versa. She's my cousin. She is a gorgeous redhead with attitude. She is exactly a year and half older than me. I don't know what I'm going to do when she goes off to college. She is amazing. She has basically co-raised four of her five younger siblings. She is working this summer so I don't see her as much. Last summer we practically spent all of the two months together. We hung around and waited around for Harry Potter. We constantly bounce ideas off each other and we're there for anything. I really couldn't live without her.



Those are my confidantes. I'll refer back to them in stories when I start seeing them again.

Daily Recap

Every single day I do about half of my chores. The ones that my parents actually can tell if I do or not. Every single day I wait for something exciting to happen. Rarely does such an occasion grace me with its presence. If I was a good kid and I did my chores like I was supposed to, if I worked out (I really want to work out, I just have the stupidest tapes, and a million other valid excuses), if I did all that, do you think something exciting would happen? I'm not overexagerating. I wake up everyday, do my chores, watch tv, do some stuff online, and then at night when i'm finally done dealing with nothing I read. It's not like I deal with difficult people all day. I'm alone all day. Sometimes that really bugs me. But when my parents come home, I usually just wish that I was alone again. My mom isn't even here at night. Even when she is, she isn't here. She and I fight so much. I know that that's just because we are so much alike. Sometimes that fact infuriates me, at others it inspires me. Anyway, I do nothing all day. I guess this is so difficult because I am used to having so much to do that at any given time I am about to beat my head against the wall. It is in this state that I find some kind of warped contentment. Call me crazy, you wouldn't be the first.

Insignificantly Perfect

I was thinking about the poll that I put up and I tried to answer the question myself. It wasn't difficult. I love the ring finger. It seems to be the forgotten one. Your middle finger is the tallest and it's for flipping people off. Your index is strong, it's for pointing, it does everything. Your thumb is one of the main reasons humans are so productive. Your pinkie is small delicate, cute even. But what's your ring finger? It's neither the tallest nor the shortest. It's the weakest of all of them, and yet, we rest the symbol for eternal commitment on it. Why do we rest something so breakable and so precious on something so incompetant, so unimportant? Maybe that's why so many marriages fail. They don't have a strong foundation. It's the one that has so little going for it, and yet, to me, it seems to be the most attractive.

Yeah! So...What?

So I was with my cousin the whole weekend. It keeps me sane. She is my other half. I was at her house for the first time in years. I've stayed away because we were allowed to do more at my house and her parents didn't like me. I think that has changed and I am so very pleased. I am feeling so alone, I need a good book. My mother is...well, she won't admit that she gets drunk. So call it whatever. Buzzed, I guess. She fell two years and a half years ago. The hospital really screwed up her treatment plan. She was on pain meds for almost a year. That did wonders for her system. She's never been quite the same since. She gets tired and when she's that tired she acts exactly like when she's buzzed. She is a totally different person. She gets stupid and mean. Sometimes nostalgic if you're lucky. I guess this isn't really that bad. I know a lot of kids have grown up with much worse. Perhaps just because I've had such an easy life, in comparison this is hard to deal with. Anyway, I use books and movies to escape. They are my best friends when all my other ones aren't there. I feel like in writing this. I've let go of some of the baggage and resentment that goes with it. By putting this out there for the world to see, the other people who have similar problems can join me and don't feel quite so alone. She denies it. But I know what I see. Thanks for listening. =)

Remarkable, Extraordinary, Amazing

So when i was little, I knew I would be famous some day. I would work on films. II would be an amazing actress. It wasn't a want it was a knowledge. I gave this up a few years ago and tried to convince myself that I would be happier on Broadway. I am still slightly convinced of this. Just recently, and I mean in the past couple days this desire or knowledge has come back to me. Now I am old enough to realize that the chance of me accomplishing this is very slim. I've been trying to pinpoint what it was about being famous that was such a complusion for me. It wasn't the attention or recognition, although, of course, both of those would be nice. Part of it was getting extremely well paid for doing what you love best. A large part of it was the approval. I am an approval whore, approval, acceptance you know. I thrive on it. It's not healthy. I know. Besides these things, which i was pretty sure that I already knew, there was something else. I couldn't put my finger on it.

I recently have been trying to have some relationship epiphanies. You know, trying to figure out what I want. I want someone who leaves me wanting more. Someone with a spark. You know, the kind of thing where they drive you insane and you kind of want to kill them half the time and jump their bones the other? The Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy thing.

Well anyway, I was reading a book that belongs to my one of my favorite series. There is an "epic love" in it with immortatlity and...the works. I thought, "I would give up anything to have a love like that."

Anything? My logical side asked.

Yes, Anything.

I would give up the fame the everything.

Why? both my sides asked at the same time.

It hit me.

It wasn't just fame.

It was a desire to beat all other desires.

To be remarkable.

Extraordinary.

Amazing.

Unfortunately, I added a fear to my resume.

Of being normal.

It terrifies me.

I have to be remarkable.

I tried to find a picture that would make this little entry more interesting. Prettier, I guess. Something that would convey my feelings. Sorry, this is the best I could come up with.

I googled the three exemplary adjectives in the order mentioned. I finally found something slightly acceptable (the above) on amazing.

Commencement

I hope that if you are reading this that you don't know me. I just started this because one of my friends recently did so. So yeah, I'm a copycat. I guess I'm doing this because I'm bored. I should love summer as most kids do. I don't like school that much so it's not as if I miss that. It's just that I do almost nothing all day, everyday. This might break up the monotony. I have so much to say later about what's been happening to me. Nothing really interesting. I just don't feel like talking about it right now. I'll be back.